Lately I’ve been writing in a notebook that I tote around with me.  I love the intimacy that I feel when writing just for myself and God, where no other eyes can take a peek.  Don’t get me wrong, I love blogging here, when the mood strikes [lol], but writing in my notebook is rather freeing.  Sometimes we have things to say that we’d rather keep to ourselves, and I guess that’s how I’ve been feeling as of late.  I want freedom in my writing, I want the gift that God gave me to flourish and the only way that this can happen is if I write without constrictions.  I’m praying that God will lead my hands to write music, songs that will inspire, evoke emotions, and spring forth a hunger to seek God with all passion and fervor.

This is my desire.  I am so ready to take flight, you have no idea.

This mission.  My heart is in a whirlwind of excitement, totally losing itself in all the possibilities that can take place.  I can’t wait to land and step foot in Mendenhall, Mississippi. I am expecting God to move mightily.  I can’t wait to pour out all this love that I have been feeling so strongly in my heart. I want to embrace these people and show them God’s amazing love.  I want to serve them and be a shining light where there is darkness.  I want to bring God’s word to a place that is desolate, lost and undone.  I want to see transformation and healing where there is brokenness.  I just want to experience every single thing that God has planned for me, the others and the people there.  I am SO anxious, my toes are just about curling into little balls.  My stomach is in knots.  My soul is yearning to be awash in the works of the Lord.  Nothing else has occupied my thoughts as this has.

Also, FYI, I have raised ALL OF THE MONEY. Ain’t that something?  In just a little over a month or so, I raised 650.00.  Now tell me that isn’t God’s hand working!! I thank the people that donated online, offline and the people that bought from the fundraisers that we held.  I pray God’s blessing over them, Lord BLESS them in all areas of their life.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially…EVERY AREA!! I thank those that have kept me in prayer as well, for prayer is what makes things happen.  Amen to that!!  I am so happy.  God has shown me to trust in Him and have faith [if even as small as a mustard seed] and He will make things happen!!!  He never fails me. NEVER.  Help me Lord, to never forget that.  In the midst of my fears and worries, help me to realize that YOU are God and nothing is impossible when it comes to you.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Yes Lord, all things work for the good when Your hand is in it.  I pray that your hand ALWAYS be in the mix of my life, be the CENTER of my life.  Cause when I lose focus and I stray and don’t keep my steps with you, that’s when I stumble and fall.  Thank you Lord for loving me.  I love you too, more than you can imagine, or well maybe you can imagine, but you know what I mean!! hehe.

Be with my church Lord, we need your hand to work in that place.  In Jesus name. Amen.

Night.  I’m tired.  Just had to type my thoughts out this time ’round.  Toodles. God bless. Love you.

Is what God is asking me.  Am I going to be soft or firm when it comes to prayer, to doing anything that He has set out for me to do.

This came to me as I sat at the edge of the hospital bed of this 7 year old boy that is in a coma.  My friend Heidi had been asking me for a couple days now to go and pray with her for her little cousin.  A part of me leaped at the chance, but another stronger part of me, the fear, made me have an excuse to not go.  I felt guilty inside when I declined the first time.  Why was I afraid?  I have a feeling why, but I’m not too sure.  There are times that prayers spill forth out of me like hot lava from a volcano, but other times the fear clamps my lips shut.

Today was different.  I kept fighting with myself, yes…no…yes…no. The excuses were already making their way out.  But then something inside of me woke up and I said “TO HECK with you fear” and told Heidi that I’d be ready in 10 minutes.  We walked over to CHOC hospital, and as we followed the little paw prints, my heart kept beating so fast and my nerves were working on over drive.  But I still asked God to use us in that place anyway.  As we were going up to the room, we met up with a couple of ernesto’s (the precious boy that’s in the coma) family members.

I was a little hesitant at the entrance of his room, because I wasn’t sure if the father would welcome me since I am not a part of his family.  I tiptoed in anyway, all the while staring at the father that was sitting right beside his sons bedside.  My heart lurched and reached out to him.  How do you comfort someone who’s child is in a coma?  HOW!?  I had no words, which led me to just go and take a seat.  I said hello to the father of course, since Heidi introduced us.

So there I sat, clenching my hands together, tightening them up and letting go…repeating the process.  I felt a strong pressure in my chest.  Heidi turned to me and said, “Will you lead in prayer?”  I blinked and just stared at her, although I already expected her to ask which is why I was so afraid to come with her.  I fumbled out an, “Ok. Yeah. Yeah, ok.  In a bit…not right now.  I’m a little shy.”  How sad is that, right?  *smh*  My mind was in a battlefield.  My heart was screaming, “HELLO!!!!?? PRAY RIGHT NOW YOU KNUCKLEHEAD!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF!!??”  So then I turned to her after about 2 minutes and said, “OK, let’s go pray.  You stand over there and I will stand here.”

First I asked his father if we could pray and I kid you not, he just stared at me.  I asked him in Spanish too, so that he would understand.  I felt a little pang but I stood up to pray anyway.  I got really emotional and stumbled over my words, but I prayed with all of my heart.  I just felt something so strong in my heart for this boy.  My heart grieved for him to have to be in such a state of mind, but I also believe that God has this whole situation under control.  We don’t know why these things happen, one moment things are fine and BAM, the next our world comes crashing down.  But God knows why and He’s got it all worked out.  Sometimes He allows these things to happen to bring us CLOSER to Him, or even for our salvation when we don’t even know Him.  All I know is that God was there with us, He was present, for when 2 or more are gathered, He is there.  I opened my eyes and was SHOCKED to see the other family members, father included, surrounded around the bed with us.  His aunt came to me and said in a whispered voice, “thank you”.  I just shook my head and took a seat.  I felt God’s presence again, heavy on my heart.

That’s when I looked at the edge of his bed and I saw the words as if they were a flashing neon sign, “SOFT” and on the other side “FIRM”.  And I knew God was speaking.

Am I going to be soft or firm when it comes to do His bidding?  Man, He couldn’t have spoken more clearer to me.  Especially since all day I was reading on Moses and how he stuttered and was afraid to go and do what God called him to do.  He was shy and scared like ME.  But through CHRIST, he did it and through CHRIST I too can do this.  I felt like I could have done more, prayed more, been bolder in my prayer for ernesto.  But I am not going to beat myself up, because guess what?  I still listened and acted out with something.  Next time I go, I will definitely be more tuned in to what God wants me to do and I will follow through with it.  I know God can move mountains and do the impossible, but we must do our part and fight the battle as well.  This is why I must be firm, firm with God on my side, so we could have a breakthrough.

I CAN BE FIRM IN MY FAITH IN GOD!! I CAN BE FIRM IN MY PRAYERS AND NOT BE AFRAID OF MY SURROUNDINGS OR IF A MILLION PEOPLE WERE LISTENING TO ME PRAY!! BECAUSE IT’S ALL FOR GOD’S HONOR AND GLORY, NOT MINE.

AMEN!? AMEN.

I believe God is going to do something here, He’s going to move in little ernesto’s life and I will be able to say that I was witness to this, to what God can do.  AMEN!!!  I’m so pumped.  I can’t wait to go see him again….and pray for him and talk to him and read him stories from the bible.

God is so good.  I love Him.  So much.

Goodnight.

I must have these shoes.  Every time (ok, just the last 2 times) that I go to the M.A.C counter at nordies, I see the same girl with these shoes on.  I LOVE them.  They just look so cute and sexy.  I want some.  Right now.  Don’t know when I can actually get them, but I WANT SOME!!!!!!!!

K, that’s all. LOL. Night.

Why can’t I believe? What will it take for me to believe?  Lord, can you please do to me what you did to Saul.  You broke him, blinded him for 3 days, and opened his eyes to truly see and believe.  You turned him into Paul.  Do this to me.  Make me believe what you have called me to be/do.  I know that it’s all at my fingertips, but I have to run forward “IN FAITH”.  I have to be honest, it’s hard for me to believe that “I” can be a songwriter, a singer even.  How can I possibly have this in me?  How can this be MY calling?  Little ole me.  I know that it is You that has gifted me and anointed me, but my issues with myself seem to outweigh what you’ve called me to, designed me to do.  I WANT to believe that this could be, that you could use me in such an amazing way, it would be a dream.  I DO want it so much, I want to bless others with what you have  blessed ME with.

Listen God.  Can you show me?  I need you to show me, someway, somehow, that this is a calling from YOU.  I’m going to do my part. I’m going to pray, read my word diligently and fast for 3 days.  I want a REMA word, please.  I can’t continue on with this foggy and rocky outlook about myself and the calling that you have confirmed for me through others.  Only you have the power to change this in me.  Guide me, lead me, teach me and show me.  I trust you, it’s just that I do have doubts. I’m being real God.  I have major doubts.  I DON’T want to be a doubting thomas.  I want to be a FIRM believer!!!  I know that you can make it happen.  I’m anticipating it.  Show me. Show me.  Open my eyes, do to me like you did to Paul.  Make ME a Paul.  Also, make me a DEBORAH!!  A worshiper, a fighter through music.  Let there be breakthroughs with the music that you will place in my heart.  Let hearts be healed and lives restored.  All honor and glory to You.  Thank you Lord, thank you.

I love you.

Amen.

Thank you girls, for the encouraging comments that you’ve left me down below.  I appreciate your words, your prayers and donations.  I love you.  Thank you SO much.  I have raised a significant amount already, from people that have donated online, at work, and the fundraisers that I’ve been participating in at church.  God is amazing, let me tell you.  When it is His will for you to do something, He will open all kinds of doors and provide.  I am TOTALLY riding on wheels of faith, because I know that I could not have done this on my own.  I can’t express how much I love and adore God, He is my number #1, now and forever.  He has never failed me, even when I was being a brat.  Ya know?  Who can love you so unconditionally, as He does? NOBODY!!!  Nobody at all.  Trust in Him, leave your fears to Him, and He will take you on the ride of faith of your life!!  He sho’ will baby,

Oh and guess what!? I got hired at another job. Guess where? Bank of America!!  Who would have thought it? LOL.  I certainly never would have.  Me, the girl that sucks when it comes to math, is now going to be a teller at BofA.  See how funny God is?  He sure has a sense of humor.  It is so true, that verse of how He will use OUR weakness and turn it into a STRENGTH!!!  Know why?  That way people will KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that it was not YOU but HIM who made it all possible.  He is going to use my weakness and turn it around. AMEN!!  Don’t doubt God man, because He always has something great up His sleeve for you, something right around the corner that you least expect. Ya know?  YAAA KNOWWWWWWW!?  hehe.

*wink* Love you all. Time for bed. Nighty night.

P.S. If there is anyone else who would like to donate, the button is right there on the right side, in the sidebar.  Tankooooo!  God bless!!

Hey!!

Well, I am totally writing this note with a shy but full of FAITH heart.  I will be going to Mendenhall, Mississippi from August 22nd-29th.  This will be my FIRST missions trip ever, but definitely not my last.  I don’t know, but for some reason I am so very excited.  God has placed a bubble of energy in my heart and all of a sudden I just have this deep desire to go on this trip.  I don’t know what to expect, but I am standing here facing God with arms WIDE OPEN, and saying “speak Lord, for your servant is listening”.  I am saying YES!!  I am putting aside ALL of my fears, all of my doubts, and my shyness  and I am breaking through with FIST IN THE AIR and just saying yes.  My heart is begging to serve, my spirit is begging to release the pent up love that it has to give, to offer and lavish on these people that are less fortunate.  I don’t know what their condition is, all I know is that I WANT to be there and SERVE.  Here I am.  Let me serve you.

So what I am asking here is…for some help.  I have to raise up 650.00 for this trip, of course before the date of departure.  I am leaping in faith here!!  I am asking for any donation that you can possibly give, and if it is not money then PRAYERS are definitely appreciated.  Because hello, PRAYER is powerful and is always received.  I will appreciate anything that you can give, 10 cents, a quarter, a dollar, 5 dollars, ANYTHING, even words of encouragement and most of all…prayer, like I mentioned just a second ago.

My heart is ready for this, my soul is thirsty for this new experience!! Not for myself, but to just be able to be an ambassador of Christ, to be able to go OUT THERE and spread the love.  How awesome is that?  To serve and give God all the honor and glory, because without Him none of this would EVER be possible.  Thank you Jesus, you are so awesome and I love you with ALL of my heart.

Thank you so much……I love you.

P.S. I have put a paypal button here for you all to donate at if you would like to do so, or you can message me and ask for my address.  However you would like.  Thanks so much you all.  God bless you. You can visit the Tc youth missions here.

Today is my precious mama’s birthday.  I can’t ever possibly draw up the right words to express how much this shortcakes means to me.  I love her to the moon and back.  She definitely is the wind beneath my wings.  That woman has shown me what a HARD WORKER is all about.  She works herself ragged sometimes but yet still has time to tend to us and show us all the love in the world.  I love cuddling with her, I don’t care HOW OLD I AM, I will always cuddle and snuggle with my mama.  Those are my special moments with her.  Also, when I can share Jesus with her and tell her how much He loves her and wants to bless her.  The moments when our hearts are entangled into one as we share memorable words with one another.  When we open up and expose our hearts, cry and laugh together!!  This is how I will always remember my mama.

[Don't mind those dirty finger nails, they're just my dads.  LOL. Lighting my mamas candles. How cute!]

She’s a firecracker that lady, but beneath that fire is a heart that beats with compassion and love.  She has a heart for the less fortunate and LOVES to share her homemade meals with others.  Lends an ear when someone is distraught.  What a jewel she is.

Mother of all natures, you’re the greatest. :D